The Top 10 Worst Singers to Grace the Silver Screen
6. Madonna
Madonna’s appeared in some good movies… Well, some tolerable movies, at least. Then again, she’s also fumbled through a good many of her roles like some inexperienced virgin, and we don’t mean that in some cool, sexy way.
Sure, she was in A League of Their Own and Dick Tracy, but she was also in Swept Away and… Dick Tracy. By now, merely seeing Madonna pop up in a movie trailer, especially one that implies her presence as a drawing point, gets a big old “NOPE” from me. I can’t even help it; it’s some kind of reflex. And that goes double for her “Original Music By” credits. I don’t mean to show my age, but I sat through Die Another Day and I’m not making that mistake again. I’m thinking that she should stick to music and odd fashion choices since that seems to work best for her. Can’t fault her for trying to be an actress though, especially since she was married to Guy Richie once upon a time.
5. Christina Aguilera
So, uh, it’s Christina Aguilera’s first movie, she’s cast opposite Cher and the producers think that this will be a good idea? As you know, Cher is one of the only singers to prove they’re damn good at acting. Though she has made a few poor choices when it comes to the movies she’s been in.
Yeah, I’m sure Christina will be able to hold her own on-screen with an Academy Award-winning actress (who probably belongs on my abandoned list of greatest singers turned actresses). No, it’ll be fine, especially when they both start singing together… Audiences will love that they are both… Both so…
I can’t do it anymore. Though I’m sure there were a lot of middle school boys who loved her debut performance in Burlesque, middle school boys don’t count as real people yet.
4. Jessica Simpson
For some weird reason, Jessica Simpson keeps making movies, and every time we see her derp smile plastered across the tiny TV hanging above us on a crowded airplane, that same fiery rage emanates from the spine and knuckles.
Seriously, people, if you keep paying to see things like Employee of the Month and The Dukes of Hazard, she’s going to keep making them. In fact, if a friend of yours mentions plans to see any of these, it is your duty as a friend to take away his keys. He is incapable of operating a motor vehicle.
Luckily Simpson’s entered a bit of a lull for the last year or so, but we don’t want to jinx it, so we’re not making any sudden movements. Look, it’s not that we don’t think she’s hot. It’s just that hot can only get you so far.
3. Britney Spears
Spears made me realize something very important with her breakout performance in Crossroads, and it’s that watching girls pretend to have a good time is the diametric opposite of having one. Once I suffered accidental exposure to five minutes of this cinematic abomination. For a week afterwards, I half-expected that girl from The Ring to come crawling out of the TV as a result. Honestly, it would have been preferable to sitting through another 5 minutes.
Hollywood caught on to this weird effect she had on moviegoers not too long after (though not too soon either), which is why she’s only made a few appearances on Will and Grace and How I Met Your Mother since, and also why the military has started talks on her potential to be weaponized.
2. Mariah Carey
Grown in an underground lab in Huntington, New York as part of Project SIREN, “Codename: Mariah” was unleashed on the public September 21st, 2001. While cities around the world burned, the German geneticist responsible realized he should never have played God only as he slowly lifted a pistol to his head.
Glitter is rumored to have once been used in Guantanamo Bay, and the U. N. just recently deemed it a war crime to screen it to captured soldiers and prisoners. Another fun fact about Glitter is that when people watch it in a house, Realtors have to disclose that information to future buyers, by law. There a lot more fun facts I can share about this movie, but thinking about for this long has already caused my nose to start to bleed.
1. Vanilla Ice
Gather around, boys and girls, while I tell you the legend of the whitest rapper ever to walk the planet. His slave name was Robert Van Winkle, but he was better known by his street name, Vanilla Ice. One day, Ice thought it would be a good idea to star in a movie called Cool as Ice.
Some say it was a remake of Rebel Without a Cause, but every time they do, James Dean rolls over in his grave.
Years later, Ice experienced a resurgence in popularity (I guess you could call it that. I mean, people are aware that he’s still alive…) when he became a YouTube sensation for his famous line from the movie when he confidently states, “Drop that zero and get with the hero!” The only problem was that he never actually tells us where we can find the hero…
There you have it, the worst singers to grace the silver screen. Every year more and more try to make the transition, so be sure to leave a comment below who you would have liked to see on this list. Be sure to check back in the future too, because I’ll always update this list as new worthy additions make their big-screen debut.