Friday, December 20, 2024

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Top 10 Worst Movies of 2019

Patrick Sessoms , , , , , , , , ,

At the end of every year, I like to sit back and reflect on all the good and bad times I had at theaters. While I always like to remember the good movies of the year, that doesn’t stop me from reliving the trauma of all the godawful ones. So, like every year, I’m taking a moment to call out the worst movies of 2019. I’ve seen some terrible ones, but for the sake of this list, I’m sticking to films that received theatrical releases (there were some pretty bad VOD’s reviewed as well). 2019 was pretty crazy, and some of the worst movies include animated features, a musical, an anime adaptation and, of course, remakes and sequels. Unfortunately, none of the films listed managed to redeem themselves by being “so bad they’re good.” Instead, they’re just painful (some literally). For those of you that sat through any of these flicks, I feel your pain. If you managed to avoid them, make sure you continue doing exactly that. 

10. X-Men: Dark Phoenix

Let’s hope Disney doesn’t try to do this storyline when they start making X-Men movies.

Our favorite super-powered mutants have given us some pretty solid movies ever since X-Men: First Class hit theaters in 2011.  With Marvel getting the movie rights back thanks to Disney straight-up buying Fox earlier this year, it looked like X-Men: Dark Phoenix was going to be the last time we saw Fox’s version of the characters on the big screen. Well, the X-Men died out not with a bang, but with a loud, annoyed groan. I wasn’t expecting Dark Phoenix to be on the same level as Avengers: Endgame, but I also wasn’t expecting it to be one of the most disappointing films of the year either. Dark Phoenix did a tremendous disservice to some of our favorite mutants, which is why it’s one of the worst movies of 2019.

9. Shaft

This is one bad… Movie. It’s a bad movie.

I’m not going to argue that John Shaft isn’t one hell of a detective. But I will argue that the 2019 Shaft is one hell of a bad movie. The film not only dusts off the old Blaxploitation character but decides to throw him into the new Millennium by giving him a millennial kid played by Jessie T. Usher. You might think that would afford the film plenty of opportunities to tackle the toxic masculinity and misogyny that was a cornerstone of Blaxploitation. Instead, it decides to take potshots at PC culture and “wokeness.” Needless to say, Shaft comes across like a crotchety old man, angry about change, and making jokes that people smile and nod at just so he doesn’t start ranting again. In that way, I guess Shaft reflected it’s protagonist perfectly. 

8. Wonder Park

As much fun as waiting in line at a theme park.

This year wasn’t great for animated movies. As bad as Wonder Park was, it wasn’t the worst of the year. Still, it was undeniably awful. Why you might ask? Well, wander on over to IMDb and you might notice that the director spot is kinda funny looking. That’s because Wonder Park technically didn’t have a director, which might explain why it’s about as fun as having a random screw drop on your lap on a carnival ride. Wonder Park beats you about the face with whimsey without anything substantial to back it up. Probably because it gets distracted by all the shiny aspects and loses focus before it manages to make a point. At least it has its heart in the right place, which is more than I can say about another animated film on this list. That doesn’t stop it from being one of the Worst Movies of 2019.

7. Miss Bala

Huh, I guess anyone can take out a cartel.

Look, I’m all for suspension of disbelief when it comes to movies. However, Miss Bala features a make-up artist who outwits the DEA and disassembles an entire drug cartel to save her cousin. I love movies with strong women kicking ass and taking names, but Miss Bala forces it. That’s probably because it’s directed by Catherine Hardwicke, who gave us, >sigh<, Twilight. Both Hardwicke and Gina Rodriguez are poor fits for the gritty, fast-paced action world where Miss Bala takes place in. Then again, it’s kind of hard to really show the cartels at their worst when you’re rated PG-13. While it was definitely one of the worst movies of 2019, Miss Bala isn’t quite as bad as another movie featuring one person taking on a criminal organization south of the border.  

6. Rambo: Last Blood

It’s time for Rambo to be sent to a farm upstate.

Even though geri-action has been around for a while, I still don’t really get it. Then again, I’m not (exactly) an old white guy clinging to the idea that I can still put young whippersnappers in their place. Once upon a time, Liam Neeson was the king of these films, but no one can beat a franchise to death quite like Sylvester Stallone. Miss Bala pushed my suspension of disbelief to the limits, but the idea of a 73-year-old, 5 foot 9 man with a metal plate in his neck taking on hardened Mexican criminals less than half his age is just too much to swallow. All due respect to Stallone for all he’s done, but it’s kind of getting sad watching him hold on to the glory days. I’m not the only one who thought Last Blood was one of the worst movies of 2019, because the original Rambo writer was “embarrassed” watching it.