The Top 10 Worst Movie Remakes

Nothing makes people flip out faster than mentioning the words “Movie Remakes.” Well, a lot of things probably will make people flip out faster than that, but nothing drives me crazier. Why? Well, it’s because Hollywood is so bad a movie remakes, that it makes it nearly impossible for any of the good remakes to be taken seriously. Sure, for every good remake there are dozens of awful ones, but I’m usually an optimist. This week though, I’m hanging up my optimistic side and embracing the darkness. After hours of meditation to center myself, I’m ready to open my mind and relive some of these horrifying abominations unto the cinema. I’ve thought long and hard about what movies deserve to be on this list, and I think I’ve managed to narrow it down to the worst of the worst. Of course, your opinions are more than welcome, since I’m sure there are some real “treasures” out there that might have slipped my mind (or been blocked out by years of therapy).

10. Classic Slasher Movies

Our first entry is a three-way tie for worst movie remakes. Horror movies are no strangers when it comes to running franchises into the ground. What do you do after you’ve beaten a dead horse though? Well, you remake the horse! Alright, that was a terrible metaphor, but you get the point. Movies like Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Halloween have all gotten modern remakes and have all been pretty bad. In fact, they were all so bad that it’s hard to just pick one. It might not seem fair, but I think the whole concept of remaking slasher movies deserves to be called out (though there are some good ones out there). Hey, I know it’s probably hard coming up with new gimmicks for slashers. All the good masks have been taken and most murder weapons have already been claimed by killers. That doesn’t mean Hollywood should stop trying though!

9. Planet of the Apes

Before we got the Rise of the Planet of the Apes trilogy, Tim Burton tried to give us a remake of the original movie featuring Marky Mark. I have to give props to Burton for going old school with the special effects and creating prosthetics for the apes to wear. That being said, most of the cast looks ridiculous and I still get uncomfortable seeing Michael Clarke Duncan in gorilla face. However, it did manage to capture that certain something the original had. You know, where it was nearly impossible to understand any of the apes. As far as remakes though, this one looked like it had all the elements needed to actually be decent. A reputable director, stellar cast, and a budget to tie it all together. Unfortunately, it ends up crashing and burning.

8. Conan The Barbarian

Jason Momoa is the modern definition of a macho man. When he’s not starring in epic blockbusters, he’s drinking beer and throwing axes for fun. The guy is one damn impressive specimen and practically a modern barbarian. So it makes sense that he should be the new face of Conan. As great as Momoa is, he’s no Schwarzenegger (which isn’t an entirely a bad thing). The one thing I will say about this remake is that it has some pretty interesting production designs. It’s nowhere near as campy as the original which might just be its downfall. Conan is a dumbed down sword and sorcery flick, which is why it’s still something that most guys can justify watching on basic cable from time to time. This new one took itself a little too seriously, a mistake most remakes end up making.

7. Footloose

Man, I really don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ll admit that the first Footloose had a pretty ridiculous premise, but it was a different time and people were doing a lot of cocaine. As far as remakes go though this one is almost blasphemous. I get that Kevin Bacon ends up in a hick town in the original movie, but the 2011 version decided to amp that aspect up a lot. It even went so far as to remake the iconic theme song by Kenny Loggins. This remake manages to make the same mistake that so many do, in trying to recreate something that was exciting decades ago. Who wants to watch teens rebel with dancing these days when you can watch Magic Mike instead?

6. Total Recall

Another Schwarzenegger remake makes an appearance on this list. Some of you geeks out there probably know Total Recall as the short story by Philip K. Dick that was “adapted” into a movie. There were a lot of liberties taken with the first version of the movie, and this remake decided to stick closer to that than the source material. That being said, there were more than a few liberties taken with the 2012 version as well. For one thing, Mars just isn’t in the picture at all. Even worse is that Kuato isn’t even in this one! As disappointing as these changes are, at least the new one managed to focus on the things that really mattered from the first one. Of course, I’m talking about the three-breasted prostitute scene. Too bad more remakes don’t have things like that to fall back on.