The Top 10 “Best” Movie Jalopies
5. 1973 Ford Falcon- Mad Max: Fury Road
Post-apocalyptic flicks are the motherload when it comes to movie jalopies. The world ends and suddenly every vehicle in sight becomes a Frankensteined amalgamation of parts held together by duct-tape. All due respect to Max, but his 73 Ford Falcon is one damn ugly car. That isn’t to say that the clunker isn’t iconic as hell, but that thing looked like it was on its last legs back in The Road Warrior. By the time it made an appearance in Fury Road it was more rust than metal, which is probably why he was captured. There are a lot of other crazy looking cars in Fury Road being driven into the ground by some insane drivers, but as I said earlier, the Falcon is a bit ironic. I’m a fan of the “Gigahorse” as well, but that thing is barely recognizable as a car anymore. Who knows if we’ll see the Falcon again in future Mad Max films, but if we do, I hope Max finds a good mechanic before then.
4. 1963 Chevrolet P-10 Step Van- Up In Smoke
There’s really nothing else like this particular vehicle out on the road. It’s hard to really figure out what this strange van is (let’s just say it’s been “customized”), but from what gear heads on-line have said it seems to be (mostly) a 63 Chevrolet P-10 Step Van. Some might say that could qualify as an “industrial vehicle,” but there is absolutely nothing industrial about this thing. It’s a feat of modern engineering though since the entire thing was made out of weed. That’s right, this thing is 100% green, baby! Almost every piece of the thing is made out of sweet Mary Jane, dope, ganja, reefer, or the good stuff. Shocking, right? Wrong! Tommy Chong has been saying for years that if you give a stoner some bud and no way to smoke it, they suddenly become freaking engineers. The fact is, this was just the next “logical” step. For that reason alone, I think it’s definitely the grooviest of the movie jalopies on this list.
3. 1975 Mercury Marquis- Uncle Buck
We’re getting to a point on this list of movie jalopies, where the merciful thing would be to put them out of their misery rather than take them to the mechanic again. Buck Russell’s Mercury Marquis is the kind of car you can hear and smell coming from a block away. Everything on it squeals and grinds as it billows smoke like a chimney sputtering down the road. Every time it manages to start is a miracle, though if you listen to the breaks it kinda sounds like they’re shrieking “kill me” every time it comes to a stop. A few keen-eyed movie fans even noticed that there was an “Abandoned Vehicle” sticker on the dash. Yet, there’s no other car better suited for good old Buck. Like his “whip,” Buck might not be pretty and it’s a miracle he’s still working half the time, but when the chips are down, he’s reliable and gets the job done.
2. 1973 Ford Gran Torino- The Big Lebowski
Of all the movie jalopies on this list, I feel the worst for the Dude’s Gran Torino. Sure, it starts the film as a wreck on wheels, but over the course of The Big Lebowski, it just gets more and more banged up. Then, just when it looks like it’s been through the worst, a bunch of nihilists light it on fire. To be honest, a gruesome death was inevitable for the clunker and I’m astounded that it made it as far as it did (I swear, you can hear the engine knocking around under the hood). Yet again though, this is just another movie car perfectly suited for its driver. Apparently, the script originally called for a Chrysler LeBaron, but I just can’t picture the Dude driving anything else. Alas, the Dude’s ride is no longer with us. Still, when it comes to movie jalopies, few have shown such tenacity. I mean, they had to light it on fire to kill the thing.
1. 1989 Mini Mayfair MkV – The Bourne Identity
It turns out that with the right driver, even the most dilapidated movie jalopies can become hell on wheels. The Mini in the first Bourne film is a total mess. The tires are balding, the steering is pulling to one side, and the brakes definitely need to be changed. However, Bourne is able to make fools of the Parisian Police department using the little Mini that could. It might not be quite as memorable as some of the other movie jalopies, but man does it make an impression once it gets going. The stuff this little thing is able to do is just out of this world and the fact that it survives its little jaunt through Gay Paree is pretty remarkable. Because of that, I see this little guy as the shining example that all other movie jalopies should aspire to. The pinnacle of not judging a book by its cover, or a car by its rust.
Honorable Mention: 1979 Renault LeCar- Dude, Where’s My Car?
Look, this was never supposed to be a list of the best movies with jalopies in them. With that in mind, it’s hard not to give an honorable mention to this hideous clunker. Now, I’m hardly a gear head, but I’ve never even heard of a Renault LeCar before which makes it a kind of obscure ride already. Toss in the fact that the boxy design makes it look like something you’d find in a playmobile playset and I already hate everything about it. Toss in the mismatched doors, “healthy” coating of rust, and missing hubcaps, and I’d say this is definitely one of the more hideous cars I’ve seen on the big screen. Still, the trouble that the “heroes” of this film went through to get it back shows that when it comes to even ugly-ass cars like this, they still have value in their owner’s eyes.
Dishonorable Mention: 1997 Chevrolet 2500 Silverado Fleetside- Kill Bill: Vol. 1
I had to give a shout-out to what is easily one of the grossest and cringiest cars in movie history. Sure, it’s in pristine condition, but it’s a vehicle I wouldn’t be caught dead in. Partially because it’s ugly as sin and partly because anyone who saw me in it would be certain that I was compensating for something if you know what I mean. Like the rest of these movie jalopies, I would rather take the bus than have it parked in my driveway.
Shout-Out: 1960 Peterbilt 281 Tanker- Duel
Duel is the film that led to Steven Spielberg getting the job directing Jaws. That’s because he was able to make the truck so incredibly menacing. It’s this emotionless machine, but you can’t help feeling like it really wants to kill someone by the end of the film. It’s an industrial transport vehicle though, so it wouldn’t have qualified for the list above. Still, I had to give a shout-out to this rust clad murder machine.
Those are the ugliest cars I’ve ever seen on the big screen. There are plenty of other cinematic clunkers though and if I missed one of your favorites, be sure to let me know in the comments below. As always, I’ll be updating this list as new hideous automobiles appear on the big screen. So, be sure to check back and see out the rankings might change in the future.