The Top 10 Killer Movie Camps Not to Send Your Kids to
No Matter How Cheap they Are, Never Send Your Kid to These Killer Movie Camps!
Going to camp is a summertime right of passage for most kids. However, the COVID-19 pandemic of 2020 pretty much canceled any chances of that happening, leaving a lot of parents stuck at home with their kids. While your peace and quiet might be ruined for the summer, look on the bright side, at least you didn’t send your child to one of these killer movie camps. Sure, it’s perfectly healthy to head off into the wilderness to commune with all the plants and animals, but I’ve always tried to avoid overstaying my welcome when it comes to cabins in the woods. With that in mind, I decided to do something special for the lost summer of 2020 and pulled together a list of 10 killer movie camps that your kids definitely wouldn’t come home from (though at this point you might want to send them to one. No judgment.). These killer movie camps have all the luxuries of their non-lethal counterparts with the added bonuses of a life insurance payout and one less mouth to feed. Grab your bug juice and pack your sleeping bag, because these killer movie camps are open for business even during a pandemic.
10. Center Stage Performing-Arts Summer Camp- Stage Fright
The first of the killer movie camps on this list is one for all those aspiring actors out there. Now, I was a “thespian” in high school, but even I can’t imagine spending the whole summer with a bunch of drama queens (trust me, the term is gender-neutral). I honestly can’t decide if I included Center Stage Performing-Arts Summer Camp because all the other campers are snobby narcissists trying to put on a pretentious kabuki version of The Haunting of the Opera or if it’s because they’re all being stalked by a death metal-loving killer who hates musical theater (after seeing Cats, I can’t really blame him). Stage Fight might not be a good movie, but that doesn’t make this camp any less nightmarish. Avoid it and your kids will thank you for not only a killer-free summer but also for not being bullied into an eating disorder by a snide, 16-year-old soprano who thinks they’re God’s next gift to the stage.
9. Good Friends Church Camp- Lumberjack Man
Sure, it might seem like a good idea to ship your impressionable younglings to a place for the summer where they can avoid all sin and temptation while finding God. As a former camp counselor though, I can tell you that’s not happening because teens are godless walking embodiments of sin. Besides, if you enroll them here they’re going to have more than just temptation to wrestle with. Like the rest of these killer movie camps, it’s the hunting ground for a relentless slasher. Specifically Nehemiah Easterday, an undead lumberjack that uses the blood of teens as the maple syrup for his mountainous flapjacks. You probably guessed by now that Lumberjack Man is a horror-comedy, but that still doesn’t mean I’d send anyone to Good Friends Church Camp.
8. Camp Clear Vista- You Might Be the Killer
Despite not getting a theatrical release, I wanted to make sure I included You Might Be the Killer among the rest of these killer movie camps. Sure, most killer movie camps have a slasher or two roaming the premises, but not like this. What makes it so special is that anyone could be the killer. Heck, you might even be the killer and not even know it. You see, Camp Clear Vista is home to a haunted mask that possesses anyone who wears it. Once you pop that bad boy on there’s no telling what your body might get up to, but it’s a pretty safe bet that it’ll involve sharp objects and body disposal. Even when you think the killer is dead, the mask could just be picked up by an unsuspecting camper or councilor and then you’re right back at it again. It’s a vicious cycle that you can avoid by not sending your youngster here for the summer.
7. Summer Camp for Youths- Madman
I can’t tell if Madman is a horror movie about a camp or a campy horror movie. It’s a beloved cult classic among die-hard horror fans with quite an interesting story behind the production of it. All that aside, the real reason it’s appearing among these killer movie camps is because of legendary Madman Marz. Some say he went crazy one summer when he couldn’t send his kids off to camp and murdered his wife and children with an ax. Fleeing into the woods, some say if you call his name he will awaken once more to kill again. Is he an escaped criminal? A zombie? The restless spirit of a family man turned crazed killer? It doesn’t matter, because as soon as you tell kids not to do something they’re going to do it. Needless to say, Madman Marz doesn’t get much rest during the summer.
6. Camp North Pines for Boys- Summer Camp Nightmare
As a former child myself, I can attest to the fact that kids should never be allowed to govern themselves. When they are left without adult supervision things can get real dark, real fast (See: Lord of the Flies). That’s exactly what happens at Camp North Pines for Boys when the councilors decide that the camp director is a real buzzkill and stage a coup d’etat. Having seized the means of fun from the crushing grip of the adult, these adolescent rebels soon instate their own government complete with a judicial system built around trial by ordeal. As you can guess, things fall apart pretty quickly. While the kids have no one to blame but themselves, I can’t help feeling like all this could have been prevented if there had been more than one legal adult on staff.