Movie Etiquette: Manners Maketh Movie Goers

Movie Etiquette Dictates: When in Doubt, Shut Your Mouth.

I didn’t think I would actually have to sit down and write an article about movie etiquette. However, a recent incident at an advance screening for Knives Out has made it clear to me, this sort of thing isn’t common knowledge. The incident in question involved two women who would cackle loudly (not a problem, the movie was funny), but then they would announce to the audience “here comes the truth” and other theories that most of us had managed to put together 10 minutes beforehand. I politely got up and whispered, “Could you please keep it down, you’re disturbing the rest of us.” Her response? She shoved a pudgy middle finger in my face. This isn’t the first incident like this I’ve encountered, so I decided to put together a comprehensive movie etiquette guide on how not to be an insufferable a$$hole at movies.

Talking in Movies

As a general rule, don’t say a goddamn word once the movie starts. To clarify, that is once the credits have finished rolling. As long as they’re still on the screen, feel free to chat and express how excited you are for an upcoming film. Once the movie actually starts you should keep your mouth shut. 

Now, I understand that some movies have lots of twists and turns. Getting lost or confused happens to the best of us. Maybe you thought of the best joke of your entire life and just have to tell the person next to you before you explode. It’s happened to me plenty of times. So, what does movie etiquette dictate you should do in those situations? Whisper. 

For those of you who don’t know how loud a whisper is, I want you to picture that you’re at church or maybe your Grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary with all your family. You have to say the word “penis” out loud, but you can say it as softly as you want. How loudly you would say it in either of those situations is exactly how loud you should whisper in a movie. If you’re the kind of person who would just shout it out and laugh at how “funny” you are, just stop reading this now because there’s no helping you. For the rest of you, keep that in mind if you must talk.

Another issue I’ve come across is that some members of the audience think that they can warn the characters about things that are about to happen. I hate to break it to you, but the people on the screen can’t actually hear you. The rest of us, however, can. More importantly, no one cares if something scared you or you think someone is about to make a big mistake. This isn’t a football game, so keep your play-by-play commentary to yourself. No one wants to hear your “expert” insights. Unless you’re Ben Mankiewicz, Joe Bob Briggs, or someone else who gets paid for their wealth of knowledge, keep it shut. We’re all watching the same movie as you and we probably figured out what’s about to happen just as easily as you did. 

Phone Usage

Like with talking, the trailers beforehand are no man’s land. They’re a lawless place where you can still text, check e-mail, scroll through social media, whatever. Once the lights dim completely, put the phone away and for the love of all that is holy, double-check that it’s silenced. I can’t tell you how infuriating it is to hear a phone go off and keep ringing as a woman digs through her purse or a typical American (by that I mean morbidly obese) struggles to pry themselves from a chair and reach around to the phone clipped to their belt far out of reach of their stubby arms. 

I understand that most of us have an uncontrollable urge to check our phones as soon as we feel a vibration in our pockets. On that end, movie etiquette is quite clear: don’t. No matter how much you cover your screen or try to lower it out of sight, it still lights up the theater like the @#$&ing Beacons of Gondor. 

Now, I get that life happens and sometimes something comes up and you have to reply or respond immediately. Maybe your friend’s car broke down or your girlfriend wants to know who “Rachel” is and why she keeps liking your posts. In those situations, do what I do. Get up and go to the hallway. Stand just far enough back that you can’t see the audience, but you can still see the screen. Now text to your heart’s content. However, absolutely never, under any circumstances, answer a call and start talking before you are completely outside of the theater.

Eating

>Sigh< Please, please, please, chew with your mouth closed. Not just at the movies, but in general. No one wants to hear your lips smacking as your teeth crush food into a fine paste you can slide down your gullet. It’s disgusting and probably the reason why you’re single. Pro tip: If you can hear yourself eating, we all can and we hate you for it. The same goes for drinking soda, water, beer, whatever. If you can’t swallow quietly, please see a doctor. That’s not normal and you might have a serious condition.

Now, I get popcorn comes in a bag and sometimes it can be noisy. However, as someone who can read this guide to movie etiquette, I assume you hopefully also have the fine motor skills required to reach into an open bag without touching the sides and retrieve a piece of popcorn. If not, try practicing at home or with a friend, because it’s obnoxious listening to people pawing around in a bag as they search for the perfect piece of popcorn they want in that exact moment. The same goes for slurping your soda. Once you’re out, you’re out bud. Stop thinking more will magically appear if you keep sucking as hard as you can. That’s not how it works.

Also, it’s become apparent that lots of people think smuggling in food is okay. I get that movie prices are absurd. I have no qualms with people sticking it to the man every once in a while. That being said, don’t open cans of soda. You’re not going to be able to hide it and it’s incredibly jarring when a character is about to confess who the killer is and someone pops open a cola right in the middle of it. A can actually exploded on someone at a movie I was at. While it was funny, it was also more than a little distracting. 

As far as food goes, keep it in the same vein as the kind you would normally buy at theaters. I’ve literally seen people pull out styrofoam containers and pop them open. No one wants to smell your old Chinese food or whatever it might be when we’re sitting there trying to watch a film. Not only is it gross, but we’re all going to be looking around wondering who the dickhead is that thinks we’re in a dine-in theater. If you’re hungry, check out one of the many theaters that actually serves food with a screening. It’s a blast.

Last, but not least, tin foil is never acceptable. No one is slick enough to hide that noise and it will always be louder and last longer than you think it will. 

Conclusion

I’m sure there are some things that I’m forgetting to mention here, but I’ve covered the major infractions of movie etiquette that I’ve come across. If you do violate any of these rules, respect the “shush” that will follow. You’re not going to whittle us down by continuing with your jackassery. If anything, you’re going to get someone angry enough to either confront you or get you thrown out of the theater. If it were up to me, violators of movie etiquette would be escorted through the lobby with a manager ringing a bell behind them chanting “shame.” Heck, I think we should probably get some rotten fruits and vegetables in on the action too. 

Seriously, we’re all paying our hard-earned money to enjoy a film. No one in the theater is any more important or special than anyone else. Those that feel entitled to laugh in the face of movie etiquette need to stay home. You don’t have the right to ruin everyone else’s experience because you feel entitled to act like an idiot, and there is a special place in hell for those that do. If we all come together, we can make the movie-going experience pleasant for everyone… and make sure the bodies of those who do violate movie etiquette are never found.