The Top 10 Worst Comic Book Movies Without Superheroes
5. Term Life
It seems like more often than not, Vince Vaughn plays obnoxiously smug characters. So it’s not much of a surprise that I didn’t like his character in Term Life. In it, he plays con trying to reconnect with his estranged daughter (Hailee Steinfeld), a stereotypical and cliched teenage brat whose stubbornness seems more like a tool to explain away her stupidity than an actual personality trait. Dear old dad picked the perfect time to rekindle their relationship since everyone wants him dead. So it somehow makes sense to put his daughter in danger as well. To make matters worse, Term Life struggles from plot point to plot point as it lurches mindlessly through the motions. Personally, I hate it when movies about a self-proclaimed criminal mastermind can’t convince me that anyone in it knows what they’re doing half the time. I’m only all too glad to include Term Life on this list of the worst comic book movies of all time.
4. The Assignment
Today in “What the hell were they thinking” we have an adaptation of a French comic, Tomboy (which was actually based on a previously written, but never produced, screenplay). So, why is this film earning a spot among the worst comic book movies of all time? Because it deals with a hitman (Michelle Rodriguez) who is captured and forced to undergo gender reassignment surgery by an insane doctor (Sigourney Weaver). Now, I’m not going to pretend that I speak for the trans community, but even I took one look at this and had my mind blown over just how tone-deaf and offensive the plot was. That’s just the tip of the iceberg with this flick though, but I’m not going to venture further down that path. Instead, I’ll just stick to the fact that as much as it wants to be a socially charged neo-noir thriller, The Assignment is simply too boring and forgettable to even be mad at.
3. Whiteout
It’s hard to know where to begin with Whiteout since it’s a bit of a jumbled mess of a film. Based on the Oni comic limited series, Whiteout earns its name from the fact that it takes place in Antarctica. There, a shunned U.S. Marshall (Kate Beckinsale) has been banished to a South Pole research facility to, I dunno, hunt fugitive bigfoots or something. Although her two-year tenure is completely uneventful, a dead body shows up a few days before she’s set to depart. Now, a murder mystery set in a location that no one can escape from actually sounds pretty interesting. However, Whiteout ends up getting overly complicated despite having an uninspired plot that continues to drag itself onward long after it should have died. Even with an intriguing setting and improbable premise, Whiteout just couldn’t hold my interest. Which is kind of impressive, considering I really like Beckinsale as an actress.
2. Virus
It took me 21 years to watch Virus in a fit of lockdown induced boredom, but I doubt I would have found it any more impressive if I’d seen it in theaters opening day (1999). Even by late 90s standards, the visual effects in this sci-fi horror were, well, cheesy at best. Not a good thing when you’re trying to sell the audience on a malevolent alien artificial intelligence threatening all of mankind. The film actually takes place on a seemingly abandoned massive Russian research vessel discovered by a crew of salvagers. Eager to claim the ship under maritime law, they climb aboard only to discover that this is going to be far from a quick payday. What follows is the kind of scientific absurdity that would make Neil Degrasse Tyson giddy with anticipation. The poor effects and the ridiculous plot makes Virus far too laughable to be scary.
1. Monkeybone
Every once in a while there’s a movie that seems like it has everything going for it, but turns into an inexplicable disaster. The year was 2001, Brendan Frasier was riding high at the peak of his popularity after The Mummy. Director Henry Selick had won over audiences with The Nightmare Before Christmas and James and the Giant Peach. On paper, Monkeybone looked like it could be the raunchy, hip comedy that 90s kids raised on Nickelodeon would lap right up. Little did 20th Century Fox know that it was going to unleash one of the worst comic book movies of all time. Stop-motion collides with live-action offering the worst of both worlds as the audience is thrown into a manic nightmare that is unable to concentrate for more than 5 minutes. Honestly, it’s a little like being inside my own head which is why I had to give the number one spot on this list to Monkeybone.
Honorable Mention: Richie Rich
The first half of the 90s was like the wild west when it came to family comedies coming out of Hollywood. Anything went from a monkey loose in a hotel to a preteen becoming a major league pitcher. So, it’s no wonder that Harvey Comics decided to get a piece of the pie while parents were paying to see terrible movies on the regular. Thus, Macaulay Culkin became the most privileged boy in the world, Richie Rich Jr. Laugh as a child squanders money on amusements and gimmicks while children starve in the third world. Thrill as he tries to buy himself friends, only to learn something garbage about money not buying friendship or something like that. Weep as you realize you’ll never get the time you spent watching Richie Rich back.
Shout-Out: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
So, here’s the thing, logically, I know that The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is one of the worst comic book movies ever made. My higher brain screams at me every time it comes on. Yet, I can’t stop myself from watching it. I’m not sure if there’s some sort of masochistic pleasure I get out of it or if I honestly believe every time that “maybe it’s not as bad as I remember”, but dumb old me straps in and watch this knock-off Justice League of literary heroes save the world from the forces of evil. Because of that, I couldn’t bring myself to give The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen an official spot on the list above. However, I will admit it’s terrible movie status with a shout-out.
This list featured everything from sci-fi horror flicks, murder mysteries, and revenge thrillers. The only common thread is that all of them are the worst comic book movies of all time. There are a lot of other comic book movies out there though, and I’d love to hear some others that you think are absolutely awful in the comments below. As always, I’ll be updating this list as new ones pop up. So, be sure to check back from time to time to see how the rankings might change!