The Top 10 Worst Movies Based on Toys
5. Transformers (all of them except Bumblebee)
How can I possibly decide which Transformers movie is the worst? Was it the one with dinosaurs? The one where it turned out they were once buddies with King Arthur? The one with the hapless male lead and his grotesquely objectified female companion? Maybe the one with giant robots so over-designed it was impossible to tell what was going on in action sequences? It’s a conundrum to be sure. So, I’ll just include all the ones with the word “Transformers” in the title. For some reason, these terrible movies based on toys just keep making more and more money. I’m really stumped on this because when I watch them, I usually end up with a headache and a desire for the sweet release of death. That being said, not even the Transformer films are the worst movies on this list…
4. Bratz
As if little girls didn’t have enough body image issues to begin with, now they have a toy line of horrifyingly proportioned, noseless divas to deal with as well. Of all the source material on this list of movies based on toys, Bratz are the most nightmarish of them all. The film is your typical derivative coming of age story, where four girls (each representing a different stereotype) try to overcome the terrible oppression of a high school Queen Bee by teaching people that you can be friends with those outside predetermined cliques. It’s the kind of movie with such an insane view of what high school is actually like that it would make John Hughes roll over in his grave. Honestly, if you want a movie that checks most of the same boxes as Bratz: The Movie, but is actually good, just watch Mean Girls instead.
3. Uglydolls
When I first saw Uglydolls I knew it was a strong contender for my list of the worst movies of 2019. The film is based on a line of dolls whose sole purpose is to be so ugly they’re adorable (like a manatee). Needless to say, there isn’t really much of a premise for a film there. That didn’t stop STX Entertainment from making this mind numbing animated movie. It features an ensemble cast of singers (not actors) lending their voices to characters (again, I must stress they are NOT actors) that dream of one day offering comfort and joy to children around the world. When confronted with the fact that they’re “ugly” they have to learn to accept their flaws as things that make them beautiful and defeat the supremacist dolls at the Institute of Perfection to save the day. It’s a movie that’s much uglier than the dolls ever could have been.
2. Dungeons and Dragons
Nerds love them some Dungeons & Dragons. They love it so much, that Hollywood thought they could make a quick buck by making a movie based on the game. The thing is that the game is appealing because of the role-playing aspect that lets people escape the monotony of everyday life by pretending to be a level 12 wizard Tiefling or a rogue Elf with plus 5 charisma, and that aspect doesn’t really translate to the big screen. That critical facet never occurred to New Line Cinema and they unleashed one of the absolute worst movies based on toys of all time. It’s more or less just a bad fantasy movie with classic clichés littered about to keep the plot staggering forward. The Dungeons & Dragons aspect is pretty much in title only. Hell, there isn’t even a Dungeon Master for all the characters to resent and hate.
1. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
The Garbage Pail Kids cards from the mid-80s were an inexplicable cult phenomenon that parodied the Cabbage Patch Kids by being as gross as possible. For some reason, all the “cool kids” loved them and Topps got the bright idea that a movie should be made to take full advantage of the craze. The film follows a garbage can spaceship filled with walking nightmares (played by dwarf actors in animatronic suits) that comes to Earth. The grotesque aliens inside take it upon themselves to help a bullied kid by showing him there’s nothing wrong with being ugly or something… Honestly, it’s a movie that I was hoping to have forgotten by now and it feels like a waking fever dream looking back on it. Just trust me that when it comes to movies based on toys, The Garbage Pail Kids is the undisputed king.
That cobbled-together collection of cinematic abominations are the worst movies based on toys ever made. What did you think of the list? Were any of these movies actually good? Are there worse ones out there? Leave a comment below to let me know your thoughts! Unfortunately, this list will probably need to be updated as new terrible movies based on toys hit theaters. Not to worry though, you won’t have to subject yourself to them. Instead, just check back to see how the rankings change as I continue “taking one for the team.”