The Top 10 Worst Movies Based on Toys
Movies Based on Toys Scrape the Bottom of the Creative Barrel.
It seems like these days, any old thing can be turned into a movie no matter how bad of an idea it might seem. That’s why this week, I’ve decided to tackle the worst movies based on toys ever made. To be honest, I was originally hoping to do a list of the best movies based on toys, but I literally could not find 10 movies. So, I went for the next best (worst) thing. For this list, I went with theatrically released movies based on either a toy or a board game. Video games got their own list a while back, so I excluded them from reappearing on here as well. I also decided that franchises would only earn one spot on here (otherwise Transformers would earn 4 spots all on its own). The end result is a list of shockingly terrible movies that were only possible thanks to the worst parts of good old American capitalism. Prepare for bits of your childhood to be dragged through the mud as I count down the worst movies based on toys you probably grew up loving.
10. Battleship
Kicking off this list of movies is a film I would have loved to have heard the pitch for. For those of you unfamiliar with Battleship, it’s basically a maritime war guessing game where you try to sink your opponent’s Navy by randomly guessing coordinates until you hit something. Now, that doesn’t sound very cinematic, so how did Universal spruce it up for the big screen? They added aliens for the titular battleship to do battle with. The film features some surprisingly recognizable names in the cast including Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgård, and Liam Neeson. Just for good measure, it also threw in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker and Rhianna (who earned a spot on my picks for the worst singers to grace the silver screen). The end result is a confusing and chaotic movie that never should have been made.
9. Masters of the Universe
In all honesty, Masters of the Universe is a pretty weird line of toys, to begin with. I mean, it’s basically a bunch of roided out guys who are so muscular, they probably can’t scratch their own noses. Those toys ended up getting their own movie in the 80s that was so terrible that it’s actually kind of fun. Like a train wreck, Master of the Universe is impossible to look away from and in the end, you’re thankful you weren’t a part of it. Dolph Lundgren stars as He-Man, the guardian of Eternia, forced to do battle with Skeletor who hates Eternia or something I guess. Their rivalry, of course, brings them to Earth where humans get to help old He-Man thwart Skeletor’s dastardly plan and save the day. Just when you thought you were safe, rumor has it a new Masters of the Universe is heading to theaters in the not too distant future.
8. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra and Retaliation
G.I. Joe puts the “special” in Special Forces. The toy line spawned an animated series in the 80s as well as a few direct to video animated films over the years. It earned a spot on this list of the worst movies based on toys in 2009 though with the release of Rise of Cobra. The whole premise of the franchise is that a collection of ridiculously O.P. soldiers with every expertise under the sun from around the world have been brought together to do battle with a mysterious terrorist organization called Cobra. As if the fact that every one of them is some sort of genius, Special Forces commando, ninja, etc, wasn’t enough they also have access to the most absurd technology in the world. When Rise of Cobra failed to impress fans, they killed off most the characters and summoned Dwayne Johnson to save the series in the sequel Retaliation, which also sucked.
7. Jem and the Holograms
Most of you might remember Jem and the Holograms as a TV series in the mid to late 80s. However, that series was commissioned by Hasbro and based on a line of dolls they had previously released, making it a perfectly acceptable addition to this list of terrible movies based on toys. The film steals a bit from Hannah Montana by following a teenage girl who uses an alter-ego in order to get the courage to perform the songs that she writes. Of course, she has the noblest intentions for her super-stardom and just wants to help her aunt save her home. Well, the music industry is pretty cut-throat and soon she finds herself in over her head. You’ll notice that Jem and the Holograms didn’t earn a spot on my list of best movie bands and sadly didn’t earn a spot on my list of drug addiction movies either.
6. Ouija
Now, I’m sure some of you will argue that considering an Ouija board as “just a game” is the kind of typical BS that gets white people into trouble in horror movies, to begin with. It’s a gray area to be sure, but the fact that the boards are mass-produced and sold in toy stories gives me enough of a leg to stand on to include this terrible horror flick among the rest of these awful movies based on toys. I’m sure you can probably guess exactly how the plot of Ouija goes. Teens find an Ouija board, mess with it, don’t say goodbye, and horror ensure. Honestly, this is a problem that really only affects a certain group of people (you’ll notice that all the characters in the film are as white as the driven snow). While I love seeing stupid teens get what they deserve, not even I could enjoy Ouija.