The Top 10 Best Bond Henchmen
Bond Henchmen are One of the Best Parts of the 007 Franchise!
We’re all thinking it; Bond villains would be nothing without Bond henchmen. Let’s be honest, most of the big bads in Bond movies would curl up in a fetal position if they ever had to face 007 one-on-one. That’s why they hire the biggest, badest people they can to create a buffer between them and a guy with a license to kill. I might even go so far as to say that Bond henchmen are the best part of Bond flicks (outside of the cool gadgets). You know what they say, “good help is hard to find,” which is why I’ve decided to honor those hourly union workers that exist to help megalomaniacal psychopaths set their plans of world domination in motion, no matter how ridiculous said plans might be. Someone needs to get their hands dirty with the murder and stealing plutonium and what not. Bond has one of the biggest film franchises of all time, which means there were plenty of henchmen to choose from. Luckily, I narrowed it down to the 10 best. So, let’s hear it for the baddies who aren’t afraid to throw down with James in fisticuffs!
10. Tee Hee Johnson- Live and Let Die
In order to be a proper Bond henchmen, it helps to have a noticeable physical characteristic, something that sets you apart from the other’s auditioning for that cooshee gig, maybe a laser eye or chainsaw hands. Well, Tee-Hee might not have either of those, but you could say that he’s got a “vice grip,” and that he really “crushes” the competition. That he… has a robot hand that is crazy strong. Tee Hee lost his hand originally to a crocodile. A move that might have branded a lesser man an “idiot,” Tee Hee turns tragedy into an opportunity as he proves just how handi-capable his new mitt shaker is. Metal hands are nothing new when it comes to 007 films, but Tee Hee goes down in history as one of the few Bond henchmen that lives longer than his employer.
9. Mr. Hinx- Spectre
I’m a big fan of Dave Bautista ever since he left the WWE for the silver screen. While we might know him better for being more brawn than brain, there was a quiet dignity that Mr. Hinx had. Like a grizzly bear in a three-piece suit, you could tell that he was fancy, but also that he could rip your face off. The character was a man of few words and didn’t get that much screen time (a waste considering that Bautista is a pretty solid actor), but he definitely proved to be more than a handful for Daniel Craig. Mr. Hinx absolutely manhandles Bond when they have their big confrontation. It’s a brutally one-sided fistfight that probably left 007 in traction for weeks afterward. Mr. Hinx could have been so much more, but he proved to be more than enough to give Bond a hard time.
8. Nick Nack- The Man with the Golden Gun
Just because you’re a Bond henchmen doesn’t mean you have to be over… four feet tall!?! Nick Nack might be a little person, but his role in The Man with the Golden Gun is far from a small one. He serves as a buffer between the rest of the world and primo assassin Francisco Scaramanga, acting as a go-between for his employers. Now, I’ll admit that Nick Nack might not be an effective “goon,” but the little bastard is vicious. Like, Tee Hee Johnson, he manages to outlive his employer but refuses to just cash in his severance and move on to the next millionaire psychopath. Instead, he hides in luggage and tries to shank James Bond while he’s trying to get his freak on. Now, that’s dedication.
7. May Day- A View to A Kill
Women who take steroids tend to get… intimidating. That’s in the real world though and we’re talking about Bond Henchmen. So, despite the fact that May Day is on enough “gym candy” to make racehorses’ heart explode, she’s still absolutely stunning. It’s understandable, since if you’re going to be the bodyguard of an ex-KGB agent you probably need to be tougher than nails. May Day pulls double duty as not just a Bond henchmen (henchperson?), but also as a Bond girl since she actually switches size when she realizes that her 1% white boss isn’t a good guy. Who would have thought? Still, I have to give her credit for deciding to turn on her boss. That takes balls, but then again, she was on A LOT of steroids.
6. Fiona Volpe- Thunderball
Who says henchwomen can’t do everything that Bond henchmen can do? Need someone killed? Fiona Volpe can do it. Need a man seduced? Fiona Volpe can do that too. Need someone to shoot rockets out of a motorcycle? Guess who can do that! Fiona is one of the toughest women that Bond has ever found himself confronted by. She’s one of SPECTRE’s (Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion) top assassins. She’s so good that their number one unleashes her to track down and kill 007. Unfortunately, like 99% of the women who happen to catch a glimpse of James, she fell for the suave bastard. The thing is that one of two things happens to women who fall for Bond, they either end up dead or with a severe STI. Guess what happened to her…